Te anau

te anau

you see here’s the truth about keeping secrets
put them in a small box
shielded from harsh winter nights
heat of summer
keep them out of sight
out of mind
out of everything that it is being alive
don’t let them slip through the cracks or
the last thing you do will be
running your fingertips along his dark eyelashes
fluttering against milky skin
or touching
the inside of your knees
rumbling tumbling
like a washing machine
creating shadows
for you to walk in
you once tried to tell him about the box
the maybe there is room for him outside of it
not cramped inside
trying to fit beside every shameful fear
like how you shouldn’t be afraid of death
it isn’t grown up
i haven’t been the same since i met you
how you haven’t been the same
how you find him in the strangest places
in books
neatly folded away between crisp crumbling sheets
accidentally tender
small sharp teeth leaving only good wishes
and open wounds half moons behind
down the sharpness of your chest
put it in the box
open it gently just for him and
if maybe you could spend the rest of your life worshipping
the almost nights
and almost sighs and
almost
if only the feeling of desperation wasn’t so strong
wasn’t like taking bullets
but like throwing your body down in front of his
to protect the youth of him and
of everything you two make up together
keeping secrets never did you any good

you are a disaster and there is nothing natural about this
learn to put an end to fairytales
forget what they mean
and by the end of your last days here
no one will longer ask why he isn’t by your side
or why you look so tired
to not try is still trying
scooping up the coal turned stones slipping
hesitantly from the corner of his eyes
when he told you he loved you
with a frosty soda pop coolness in his voice he asks you
what would you do for me
it’s like glass shattering only it doesn’t stop
it happens again and again
and it never becomes any less hard

so that’s the truth about keeping secrets
the whole point of secrets
you don’t ever admit to them